The Truth About Infidelity – Chicago Sun-Times Article
The Truth About Infidelity
January 9, 2006
BY LAURA BERMAN
Sun Times
Divorce is one of the true tragedies in our society, often shattering families beyond repair. Understanding what tears relationships apart and working on ways to avoid breaking marriage vows are two key factors in helping couples stay together. That’s why it’s important to study the phenomenon of cheating.
Over the past weeks we asked Sun-Times readers in an online survey to tell us the truth about fidelity. To my pleasant surprise, thousands of you shared your most private longings and indiscretions, and the bean counters here at the paper have tabulated the results.
Maybe there’s something in the water in this town. Believe it or not, more than half of survey respondents in both the city and suburbs admitted to cheating on a partner. Nearly one-third of Chicagoans confessed to cheating on their current partner.
And those of us being cheated on seem to have our heads in the sand. Unfortunately, just 15 percent of survey respondents believe their current partner has cheated on them, which means at least half of us are in the dark about a partner’s extracurricular love life. Makes you think, doesn’t it?
Once a cheater, always a cheater? It’s possible. There doesn’t seem to be a lot of remorse out there among cheaters. Nearly half of you are open to the idea of cheating again in the future. Obsessed with cheating? One in five people thinks about cheating often or very often.
The definition of cheating is not just limited to intercourse — far from it. More than 80 percent of those surveyed believe anything from kissing to cybersex constitutes betrayal.
What matters most is what your partner considers cheating. I always tell couples they should have a clear understanding of what is considered cheating and what is not to avoid misunderstandings later.
But why is there so much cheating among us? For those of us with a more romantic view of love and sex, it would seem we don’t put the right effort into our relationships to make them all that they can be. We get complacent about keeping the spark alive. Or we want to have our cake and eat it too — separating a comfortable, loving relationship from our more animalistic sexual urges. In fact, one female reader wrote to me recently, “For me and women I have known, what you call cheating is a way to stay IN their marriage — Seriously, my husband is really awful in bed, but does that mean I should break up my otherwise good marriage and family stability because I want better sex?”
Separating sex from your relationship does not sustain intimacy or the relationship. Cheating is always a betrayal and saying sex doesn’t matter or that it can be fulfilled elsewhere cuts off your current relationship’s potential.
For those of you who suspect you might be with a cheating partner, here are several signs of possible infidelity:
– They are distracted or distant, perhaps suddenly disinterested in sex, or interested in new sexual positions or activities that seem out of the blue.
– They also might have changed significantly in the way they interact with you, perhaps more attentively, perhaps more aggressively.
– There are lots of blocks of time where they are unaccounted for or can’t be contacted.
– New clothes and lingerie might suddenly appear as they take a renewed interest in their appearance.
Certainly, none of these are guaranteed signs of infidelity. The most important thing is to confront your partner about your concern. Short of that, a little detective work can go a long way.
For those of us who are less romantic at heart, the explanation for widespread infidelity might be some cheaters’ beliefs that they will get away with it. After all, nearly half of survey respondents said if they discovered their partners were cheating they would try to work it out. So invested are people in their relationships that a transgression as serious as cheating is not necessarily ruinous — there is a sense that all can be forgiven in crimes of the heart. Maybe that’s why so many of you feel you might do it again as well.
Is infidelity forgivable? Yes, but it’s important not to expect a quick fix. A good dose of couples’ therapy can go a long way to help you get through the crisis intact as a couple. It’s natural for each of you to blame the other. Therapy can help you recognize how you both contributed to the issues in your relationship and move through the healing process.
Needless to say, I am neither supportive of affairs nor cavalier about the hard work it takes to repair the relationship afterward. It’s more valuable, perhaps, to focus on how to make our relationships better in the first place, so it never gets to that point.
There are important questions every couple should ask themselves on a regular basis. Are you nurturing each other? Do you make your partner the absolute priority in your life? Do you respond to each other’s needs and desires with creativity and commitment to keep your relationship vibrant?
A healthy sex life is just one part of a healthy relationship. But staying faithful is the difference between investing in what you have and never giving it a chance.
Laura Berman, Ph.D., is a couples therapist and director of Chicago’s Berman Center. She also appears Tuesdays and Thursdays on “FOX News in the Morning” on WFLD-Channel 32. Questions? E-mail drberman@sun times.com.
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