Red flags of infidelity

Fri, June 24, 2005
By JOANNE RICHARD, TORONTO SUN

DOES HE LOOK at other cheating men disapprovingly?

Does he reassure you, “I’d never do that?”

Is he getting distant, critical, and secretive about money? How about giving you expensive gifts unexpectedly?

Well, he’s probably cheating.

Statistics show that a surprising proportion of men — 35% — cheat on their wives, and authors Elizabeth Landers and Vicky Mainzer, contend that every unfaithful husband exhibits the same signs along the way.

In fact, cheaters follow the exact same script — which is the name of their new book: The Script: The 100% Absolutely Predictable Thing Men Do When They Cheat (Hyperion, 2005).

“It’s the same words and actions every time … almost always in the same order,” says Mainzer, who along with Landers interviewed hundreds of women across the country, and heard the same lines over and over again.

Mandy D. of Etobicoke can attest to the predictability: Her husband of 11 years had an affair with a colleague during which he was guilty of many of the common red flags, including telling her that she was “useless, crazy and didn’t contribute enough. He told me I didn’t have enough ambition or drive. He became militant, derogatory and emotionally void,” says Mandy, who does not want her real name used.

Her husband was out late every night using his sales job as an excuse and constantly putting her down when it came to appearance, the children and the house. “I couldn’t do anything right.”

When she’d confront him, he’d tell her she had the problem and should see a psychiatrist.

It’s all in the cheating man’s script.

“They’re ridiculously predictable — scary common what men do when they’re cheating. I’ve talked to so many other women, and their husband all did the same things,” says Mandy, mother of three, who has stayed with her husband but they still struggle with the fallout of his infidelity.

“Every woman who experiences an unfaithful husband feels confused and baffled by his contradictory statements and behaviour. She starts to believe that she really must be crazy, unappealing, selfish, and unloving, just as her husband says,” says Mainzer, who’s been divorced for 15 years and lives in Idaho.

But it’s just all part of the Script, they say.

The Script is a wakeup call to women everywhere, says Mainzer — their month-old book spells out the red flags of infidelity in order that women can take action and turn the tide of disaster before it’s too late. They’re out to interrupt the script early on and revise the ending to a happy one.

The authors believe it’s important to recognize the pattern, fix what’s broken in the relationship and put an end to divorce everywhere. “You get cheated out of social status, financial status and your family gets cheated — it get ripped apart. And children undergo very difficult struggles.”

According to Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, the fall-out is enormous, like an emotional nervous breakdown that rocks a marriage to its very core — “it takes years to built the trust and for sexual healing to occur.”

Through her extensive work in infidelity, she believes 70% of men cheat — “one partner in 80% of marriages have an affair,” says Eaker Weil, author of Adultery, The Forgivable Sin (Hudson House) and most recently Can You Cure and Forgive Adultery (Infinity Press).

According to Eaker Weil, a New York therapist who specializes in working with couples who want to overcome the devastating effects of betrayal, “an affair is a cry for help. It’s an inability for one partner to get close so they seek to self-medicate with a quick fix — the adultery fills the emptiness momentarily but it doesn’t solve the problem and the fallout reverberates for generations to come.”

The most stressed out men are the most likely to have affairs — “it does calm them down momentarily and fills that emotional chemical emptiness but not for long.”

Meanwhile, adds Mainzer, interrupt the script along the way — if you see something, say something: “Treat the pain early. In other words, if you feel something is up, talk about it sooner rather than later because it will be easier to solve when it’s a small problem …”

But if the bomb is dropped and he says he’s leaving, then take command, advises The Script. “You’ve been shot by a stun gun. But don’t let it stun you into inaction. By taking command, you calm those around you and gather your forces … call a lawyer.”

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TELLTALE SIGNS

Keep your eyes open for these behaviours, advises infidelity expert Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil.

HE:

– Picks fights

– Acts unappreciated

– Becomes critical and finds fault

– Become distant and non-communicative

– Changes his image, i.e. loses weight, buys new clothes

– Telling you there’s something wrong with you and you should seek professional help

– Changes his money behaviour

– Changes in sexual behaviour, patterns, positions and frequency

– Buys gifts and does good deeds, such as chores around the house and helps more with the kids — “this assuages the guilt he’s feeling and it counteracts his bad behaviour away from home”

– Unexplained absenses

– Hang-ups on your home phone

– Starts leaving earlier for work and arriving home later