Marriages hurt by affair can be saved
Good Advice from an excellent reporter
Jim May
Midland Reporter Telegram
07/24/2005
DEAR FAMILY: I recently found out that my husband was having an affair with a woman from another office at work. I found an e-mail saying he loved her. I waited two weeks and then I finally told him I knew. -Of course, he denied it, but by then I had collected plenty of evidence. He says he wants to stay married to me and I want the same thing because I have always loved him. We have been married almost 20 years. He says the affair has been going on for two years.
He says they only made love a few times and then stopped because they decided it was wrong. She works in (another city) and he has to go there regularly. I told him I would have to go with him until I could trust him again. He has agreed. He says he’s sorry but he doesn’t want to talk about it anymore, and I do.
My problem is even though I want this to work out, I have days I cannot quit crying. It’s as if I can see them together and it just happened yesterday. It used to be every night but I have gotten better. I have read at least five self-help books. Our pastor has moved and I don’t feel like I can talk to the new one about this. It is too embarrassing. How long does it take to get over this or can I? How long is too long? Six months, a year? Should I see a marriage counselor? Could you recommend one? I don’t know that he would go, but maybe I should go. I would appreciate any help. Sometimes it is really unbearable. It’s like someone very close to me has died. – VICTIM OF HIS AFFAIR
DEAR VICTIM: It is very hard to get over an affair but it can be done successfully. My professional experience in dealing with affairs is consistent with the research findings that most marriages involving an affair can be saved. Not all of course, but most. The main criterion is that the cheating spouse ceases all contact with his or her lover. When this criterion is met and the couple goes to marriage counseling the five-year survival rates are excellent and those couples even report that their marriage is better than before the affair.
There are a variety of thoughts from experts in this field that may help answer some of your questions. Peggy Vaughan’s research on more than 1,000 spouses whose partners have been unfaithful shows “the key to personal recovery and to staying together is a willingness to talk about the betrayal over a long period of time; but there is no quick fix.” Michelle Weiner-Davis, author of “Divorce Busting,” says, “…healing from infidelity is not a straight line; it is a jagged line with many setbacks. The partner who has been unfaithful may be willing to talk at first, but will balk when the subject is brought up again and again. Recovery takes endurance and patience and compassion.” I would add that since an affair is primarily a violation of trust then “bed-rock” honesty in answering all of your questions is vital.
I have found Dr. Janis Spring’s book, “After the Affair,” to provide the best all around “self-help” presentation for recovering from a spouse’s affair. She organizes her approach around three stages: Reacting to the Affair: “Is What I’m Feeling Normal?”; Reviewing Your Options: “Should I Stay or Leave?”; and Recovering From The Affair: “How Do We Rebuild Our Life Together?” Reading her book should help answer many of your (very normal) questions.
In my experience, marriage or pastoral counseling is a vital component of the recovery process. It would be much better if both of you would go as a couple but if he refuses, it will help if you go. I will be glad to e-mail you the names of counselors if you would like; but be sure to keep God actively involved in the process.
I want to strongly encourage you and your husband to work on your marriage. It is a death but there can be life after death. As Dr. Eric Erikson stated, “A crisis can be a turning point; by making you vulnerable, it can heighten your potential for positive change.” Good luck!
