Great Trust Article
Excerpt from an excellent article entitled Trust is invaluable in an intimate relationship
By Offra Gerstein
When one person has violated their partner’s trust, the betrayed mate is often profoundly wounded. He/she questions their own worth as well as doubting the partner’s character. Lost trust is hard to rebuild. Once a betrayal occurs the possibility of recurrence is further feared. The trust, loyalty and confidence, which have been the foundation of the relationship, can no longer be taken for granted. Betrayal causes an emotional earthquake for both mates which requires time and tools to restore the stability and security to their union.
If you are accused of being an untrustworthy partner:
Respect your mate’s concern and check with yourself to see whether the assumptions bear any truth.
If the accusation is of merit, admit your part and suggest a repair idea. For example: “I did act in a flirtatious way with the service person, I guess I miss more playfulness between us. I apologize for it and want to talk to you about how we can get closer.”
If the mistrust is unwarranted, provide reassurance to your partner without becoming defensive. For example: “I know you are concerned about money. I do too, and am very conscious about my spending.” Or, “I spend time with my parents out of love and obligation. Above all — I love spending time with you. Let’s plan it better.”
If you have been disloyal: apologize, promise to never repeat the action, reassure your mate of his/her worth and increase your expressions of appreciation and love.
If you feel mistrusting of your partner’s loyalty:
First check with yourself to see whether these are your own feelings ascribed to your mate. For example: “Are you having an affair?’ may be asked by a mate who is thinking of being unfaithful.
If you find yourself assigning behaviors or intentions that are your own, do not accuse your mate, but rather ask them for help. For example: Instead of “You never trust any of my ideas,” try saying “I am concerned that some of my ideas have not been helpful to you, can you help guide me in offering better suggestions?”
Maintain a good sense of self worth by doing whatever affirms your value. Being insecure may lead to mistrust of partner.
When your partner denies the accusations, permit yourself to trust him/her. If the trust is unwarranted, it will be discovered soon enough. If your partner is sincere, you both will be enriched by mutual trust and confidence in each other.
Trust can be rebuilt, repaired, restored and intensified by willing and motivated partners.
Offra Gerstein, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist in private practice in Santa Cruz for the past 25 years. Her Web site is www.RelationshipMatters.com, and she can be reached by phone at 476-7666.
