Clinical psychologist addresses disclosing an affair.
We found this very interesting article in the Pilot-Independent and think it will be interesting to many of you.
Are you having an affair? Have you just ended an affair? Do you have a secret from long ago that is eating away at you? Do you reveal it or not?
Once your secret is out, you can’t get it back. There will be lifelong repercussions. If you decide not to tell, your silence will take an insidious toll of its own, both on you and on the marriage. Here are some things to consider as you make your choice.
Reasons for not telling — self-protection for yourself and others
• Your motive is to hold onto both your lover and your spouse, while you are caught in a dilemma, wanting both in your life.
• You are bargaining for the luxury of working through your own emotional ambivalence before putting yourself in a position of having to choose between them.
• You are trying to absolve yourself of guilt.
• You are trying to protect the third party from any repercussions that may spill over from your own revelations.
• You are trying to protect yourself from the conflict and emotional fallout that will ensue if the affair is revealed. You worry if you have the ability to deal with the anger, hurt, accusations and deep grief your revelations will cause.
• You are trying to cushion any ensuing divorce conflict or custody battle by keeping the affair secret.
Reasons for not telling — protecting your
marriage or your spouse from harm
• You conclude your partner is too fragile and vulnerable to react constructively to the news and that your affair will shatter his or her sense of self.
• You may be afraid the revelation will cause more harm than the affair itself and will lead to an unwanted separation or divorce.
• You may be fearful of your partner’s ability and willingness to love and forgive you in spite of the betrayal.
• You want to address marital problems without putting your spouse through the difficult task of learning to trust and forgive you.
• You worry that your partner will get caught up in an obsessional focus on the details of the affair and will be swallowed up with bitterness and resentment.
• You worry that your thoughts and feelings about the marriage will be discounted or not listened to.
Reasons for telling — self serving
• You share the affair as an exit strategy to end an unhappy marriage.
• You disclose the affair to lash out and hurt your partner for a past emotional wound.
Reasons for telling — restore and strengthen your marriage
Rebuild trust. If you want to rebuild your relationship, tell the truth before your partner discovers it some other way. You can help regain trust by not engaging in a cover-up. Secrecy, lies and deception can be almost as devastating as the affair and complicate the recovery process.
Leaving the discovery up to the hurt spouse creates a huge barrier of trust that is difficult to surmount. When a discovery ends an affair, it leaves much more doubt and hurt. Choosing to leave an affair and disclosing it freely is much more affirming of how you value of the marriage.
Because you fooled your partner, he or she may go into a “seek and find” mode, looking for signs of infidelity. Promises aren’t believed. The obsessions about lies and dishonesty will be prolonged.
Truth strengthens commitment to remain faithful
By keeping an affair secret, it is easy to avoid looking at motives or needs and to pretend the marriage itself doesn’t need much attention. By keeping the secret, you can lull yourself into believing that the absence of conflict is better than learning any lessons from the affair.
By telling the details of the affair, the motives, maneuvers, lies and excuses become known to the spouse. He or she will know how you pulled it off and will know what to look for in the future. By sharing this information freely, humbly and honestly, you show your partner you are committed to the marriage and are willing to be honest.
An honest look at the marriage
By revealing an affair, you give your spouse a fair chance at learning your marital grievances and addressing them. A confession may be seen as a cry for help with the marriage. With all the pain that your confession may cause, it also creates an opportunity to improve your marriage.
Even if you remain faithful, living with unexpressed dissatisfactions and resentments will rob your marriage of true intimacy and enjoyment. Discussing the affair is an opportunity for self-examination and honest dialogue.
True equality and intimacy
By telling the truth to your partner, you show that your marriage is the relationship that matters. You give your partner power. Your partner is free to decide what to do when armed with the truth. You can reconnect as equals.
You allow your partner to know you. You share the hidden pain, resentments and loneliness of the paths each of you has been on. Dishonesty is the enemy of intimacy.
With the disclosure, you also give your partner a chance to accept you, warts and all. This acceptance is evidence of his or her love for you.
Which is better — to tell the truth or not tell the truth? You decide.
Ideas for this column were drawn from the book, “After the Affair,” by psychologist Janis A. Spring.
Val Farmer is a clinical psychologist with MeritCare in Fargo, N.D. He specializes in rural mental health and family business consultation. Dr. Farmer’s column is sponsored by Cass County Social Services. For more information on affairs and forgiveness, visit Val Farmer’s Web site at www.valfarmer.com.
