Pay attention to the e-mail trail

Great story about what people find in email posted by the OC Register and Scaramento Bee

Be careful what you write, experts say, because the whole world – including your boss and your spouse – could know it tomorrow.

By CYNTHIA HUBERT
The Sacramento Bee

MSNBC host Keith Olbermann probably assumed he was making a private joke when he described a colleague as “dumber than a suitcase of rocks” in an e-mail message.

Big mistake.

Last month, his comments about fellow TV personality Rita Cosby showed up in the New York Daily News, and Olbermann had some explaining to do.

In a world where personal missives can instantly tour the globe with a click of the “send” or “forward” button, others have suffered far greater consequences. When they get into the wrong hands, indiscreet e-mails can cost people jobs, clients, business deals, even marriages.

“People are enormously careless about e-mail, until they get burned,” said Atlanta attorney John Mayoue. Electronic messages, Mayoue said, have become “the best, most foolproof” way of outing cheating spouses in divorce cases, and they can cause all kinds of other problems for unsuspecting senders.

According to an annual survey by the technology firm Proofpoint, nearly 40 percent of companies employ staffers to read other employees’ e-mails, and more and more workers are losing jobs for violating e-mail policies. Incendiary e-mails have most famously been used to prove criminal charges against Enron founder Kenneth Lay, who died July 5.

If you want to make sure electronic messages never come back to bite you, said Mayoue, assume everything that you write is being monitored, copied, printed, forwarded.

“Never, ever write anything in an e-mail that you wouldn’t want on the front page of The New York Times,” said Suzanne Bates, author of the book “Speak Like a CEO, Secrets to Commanding Attention and Getting Results.” Unless you install special software that prevents recipients from forwarding your message, it might as well be on a billboard, she said.

In the legal field, e-mail has spawned a cottage industry of specialists who mine electronic messages to prove infidelity, character flaws and even crime, said Sacramento attorney Paul Hemesath.

BE A SMARTER SENDER

Author, consultant and former Yahoo executive Tim Sanders offers the following top tips of e-mail etiquette:

• Never say no: “E-mail is for yes, maybe, passing on information or answering a question. If you’re going to say no, pick up the phone.”

• Don’t CC Dad: “Try to limit CCing your boss or parents. The person you are sending the e-mail (to) can become rather resentful.”

• Don’t send e-mail with “hot eyelids”: “Never send an e-mail when you’re mad. Touch your fingers to your eyelids and if they’re hot, put the e-mail into the drafts box and revisit once you’ve calmed down.”

• Stop replying to all: “Erase the ‘reply all’ from your e-mail. Take the time to think who the e-mail really needs to go to.”

• Consider the time: “If you are a boss, don’t send company e-mails throughout the night. If your employees see you working late, they will feel they have to as well. This could cause a very resentful workplace.”

Parrot Gives Away Girlfriend’s Infidelity

Parrot gives away girlfriend’s infidelity

HEADINGLEY, England, Jan. 17
Two relationships have ended in England because an African gray parrot tipped off his owner that his girlfriend was cheating on him.

Chris Taylor, 30, was not suspicious at first when his parrot Ziggy imitated his girlfriend’s voice, saying Hi, Gary, every time her cell phone rang. He also found it funny when Ziggy made wet kissing sounds when the name Gary was mentioned on television.

The Mirror reported the last straw was when Taylor and Suzy Collins, 25, began snuggling on the couch, and Ziggy murmured I love you, Gary.

Collins confessed to having a four-month affair with a co-worker, then bolted from the house, and later moved out.

Collins had to find a new owner for Ziggy, too, as the bird wouldn’t stop talking about Gary.

I know I’ll get over Suzy but I don’t think I’ll ever get over Ziggy, he said.

Virtual Adultery has real impact

January 13, 2006

Virtual Adultery Where a husband or wife has an emotional affair with another person over the Internet can be just as harmful to their union as physical adultery, say marriage experts. As Australias Sydney Morning Herald reported recently, these liaisons are increasingly a gateway to divorce.

Never before has the dating world been so handy for married men and women looking for a fling, University of Florida researcher Beatriz Mileham told the BBC. The Internet will soon become the most common form of infidelity, if it isnt already.

With cyber sex, there is no longer any need for secret trips to obscure motels. An on-line liaison may even take place in the same room with one’s spouse.

The lure of virtual adultery is the ease, anonymity and affordability with which it allows men and women to cheat on their spouses. A few clicks can gain them access to hundreds of thousands of chatrooms, on-line pornography, on-line dating services, friend-finding web sites, as well as sites that cater specifically to would-be adulterers.

I accidentally fell into a cyber affair with someone who personally emailed me from a mailing list I belong to, says one woman, who told her story on a website. The intensity of this e-affair rapidly escalated over several months and got to the point where we discussed getting together. It becomes a real person you’re dealing with.

This womans experience is no isolated phenomenon. Cyber lovers, the Herald noted, quickly move from chat to photo-swapping, intimate confessions and cyber sex. It can become as consuming as a real relationship.

Yet many married couples seem unaware that virtual adultery can be just as intense and destructive as a physical affair. This week, Columbia News Service reported that according to a new survey by the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy, 15 per cent of married women and 25 per cent of married men said they have committed adultery. But when virtual adultery is factored in, those numbers increase by 20 per cent.

Dr. John Gray, author of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, says that since women are more likely to associate love with emotional support, they find an emotional affair more threatening – whereas men will not usually regard an affair as infidelity until it becomes sexual.

But marriage counselor Peggy Vaughan argues that emotional affairs can be just as damaging because both involve one spouse cheating on the other. It is a big deal because of deception, regardless of if it becomes sexual, she says.

The Truth About Infidelity – Chicago Sun-Times Article

The Truth About Infidelity

January 9, 2006

BY LAURA BERMAN

Sun Times

Divorce is one of the true tragedies in our society, often shattering families beyond repair. Understanding what tears relationships apart and working on ways to avoid breaking marriage vows are two key factors in helping couples stay together. That’s why it’s important to study the phenomenon of cheating.

Over the past weeks we asked Sun-Times readers in an online survey to tell us the truth about fidelity. To my pleasant surprise, thousands of you shared your most private longings and indiscretions, and the bean counters here at the paper have tabulated the results.

Maybe there’s something in the water in this town. Believe it or not, more than half of survey respondents in both the city and suburbs admitted to cheating on a partner. Nearly one-third of Chicagoans confessed to cheating on their current partner.

And those of us being cheated on seem to have our heads in the sand. Unfortunately, just 15 percent of survey respondents believe their current partner has cheated on them, which means at least half of us are in the dark about a partner’s extracurricular love life. Makes you think, doesn’t it?

Once a cheater, always a cheater? It’s possible. There doesn’t seem to be a lot of remorse out there among cheaters. Nearly half of you are open to the idea of cheating again in the future. Obsessed with cheating? One in five people thinks about cheating often or very often.

The definition of cheating is not just limited to intercourse — far from it. More than 80 percent of those surveyed believe anything from kissing to cybersex constitutes betrayal.

What matters most is what your partner considers cheating. I always tell couples they should have a clear understanding of what is considered cheating and what is not to avoid misunderstandings later.

But why is there so much cheating among us? For those of us with a more romantic view of love and sex, it would seem we don’t put the right effort into our relationships to make them all that they can be. We get complacent about keeping the spark alive. Or we want to have our cake and eat it too — separating a comfortable, loving relationship from our more animalistic sexual urges. In fact, one female reader wrote to me recently, “For me and women I have known, what you call cheating is a way to stay IN their marriage — Seriously, my husband is really awful in bed, but does that mean I should break up my otherwise good marriage and family stability because I want better sex?”

Separating sex from your relationship does not sustain intimacy or the relationship. Cheating is always a betrayal and saying sex doesn’t matter or that it can be fulfilled elsewhere cuts off your current relationship’s potential.

For those of you who suspect you might be with a cheating partner, here are several signs of possible infidelity:

– They are distracted or distant, perhaps suddenly disinterested in sex, or interested in new sexual positions or activities that seem out of the blue.

– They also might have changed significantly in the way they interact with you, perhaps more attentively, perhaps more aggressively.

– There are lots of blocks of time where they are unaccounted for or can’t be contacted.

– New clothes and lingerie might suddenly appear as they take a renewed interest in their appearance.

Certainly, none of these are guaranteed signs of infidelity. The most important thing is to confront your partner about your concern. Short of that, a little detective work can go a long way.

For those of us who are less romantic at heart, the explanation for widespread infidelity might be some cheaters’ beliefs that they will get away with it. After all, nearly half of survey respondents said if they discovered their partners were cheating they would try to work it out. So invested are people in their relationships that a transgression as serious as cheating is not necessarily ruinous — there is a sense that all can be forgiven in crimes of the heart. Maybe that’s why so many of you feel you might do it again as well.

Is infidelity forgivable? Yes, but it’s important not to expect a quick fix. A good dose of couples’ therapy can go a long way to help you get through the crisis intact as a couple. It’s natural for each of you to blame the other. Therapy can help you recognize how you both contributed to the issues in your relationship and move through the healing process.

Needless to say, I am neither supportive of affairs nor cavalier about the hard work it takes to repair the relationship afterward. It’s more valuable, perhaps, to focus on how to make our relationships better in the first place, so it never gets to that point.

There are important questions every couple should ask themselves on a regular basis. Are you nurturing each other? Do you make your partner the absolute priority in your life? Do you respond to each other’s needs and desires with creativity and commitment to keep your relationship vibrant?

A healthy sex life is just one part of a healthy relationship. But staying faithful is the difference between investing in what you have and never giving it a chance.

Laura Berman, Ph.D., is a couples therapist and director of Chicago’s Berman Center. She also appears Tuesdays and Thursdays on “FOX News in the Morning” on WFLD-Channel 32. Questions? E-mail drberman@sun times.com.

 

If you need help exposing the truth about infidelity in your relationship, call us today to see how we can help!

Preventing and Dealing with a Spouse’s Affair

By Pat Burson
Newsday

That a husband or wife would spend time and money trying to catch his or her spouse cheating “is a huge red flag that this is a relationship that’s circling the drain already,” says clinical psychologist Tom Merrill, who does relationship seminars, consulting and counseling with his wife, Bobbie Sandoz-Merrill.

The couple, who split their time between Honolulu and Phoenix, offer solutions in their new book, “Settle for More: You Can Have the Relationship You Always Wanted … Guaranteed!” (SelectBooks, $21.95).

They say spouses can head off problems in a marriage, including infidelity, by working to fuel the fire that ignited during courtship.

“We settle for less once we’re married,” Tom Merrill says. “Keep alive what you had in your courtship … by making every moment be a loving kind of moment. As soon as you start letting down on those moments, your partner doesn’t feel attracted to you in those moments, and they feel they want to step away. If they’re not honorable, then they start to plan their escape.”

If you want a relationship that’s loving, committed, connected, open, seamless and sexual, “hold yourself to the standard that you want to live in,” Sandoz-Merrill adds.

Divorce isn’t the only solution after an affair, says Manhattan psychologist Debbie Magids. “Sometimes couples counseling helps you end a bad situation or mend a broken situation,” she says. “You need to find out what happened and fix the root of the problems.”

If the marriage is to have any chance at survival, the spouse who cheated must work to regain trust. In turn, the spouse who was betrayed must resist the urge to punish or seek revenge and be willing to forgive. “Without forgiveness,” Magids says, “you can never have a marriage again.”

Before entering a new relationship, establish your own “minimum standard of care” list with what you must have (honesty and monogamy, say) and won’t tolerate (your mate being too chummy with an old flame), says Danine Manette, author of “Ultimate Betrayal: Recognizing, Uncovering and Dealing With Infidelity” (Square One, $12.95).

“Write it down so you can refer back to it,” she says. “Not only will it help you evaluate your partner and your relationships, it also will help you evaluate yourself and what is healthy.”

Spy Gadgets and Private Eyes can Help You Catch a Cheating Spouse

By Pat Burson
Newsday

You’re reading the newspaper, and your husband or wife could be cheating on you at this very moment.

Not possible, you think?

Of the 19,000 U.S. adults responding anonymously to a national survey about their sexual behavior between 1991 and 2004, 13 percent of women and 22 percent of men reported having a sexual partner other than their spouse while they were married, says Tom W. Smith, director of the General Social Survey at the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago. Although the figures remained relatively stable for men throughout that time, Smith says the numbers for women fluctuated between 11 percent and 14 percent, indicating a “small but clear upward trend.”

So, how can you be so sure they are — or aren’t?

Relationship and infidelity experts, private investigators, technology specialists and divorce attorneys say if you know the subtle and not-so-subtle signs to look for, they’ll point you to the answer.

You can put your five senses to work. Or you can shell out hundreds — or thousands — of dollars to hire a private detective. You also can invest in the newest high-tech products on the market — computer spyware, electronic tracking devices, in-home evidence-gathering kits among them — in an effort to catch cheating mates.

David Vitalli, a private investigator and chief executive of Tru-Test Forensic and Applied Sciences Corp. in Newburgh, N.Y., says his company recently began marketing a patented home evidence-collection kit that will help spouses detect with 100 percent accuracy whether their mates have been intimate with someone else.

The kit contains an ultraviolet light that will detect stains on your mate’s clothing that are normally impossible to see or feel. Protein and enzyme formulas included in the kit also will identify the presence of bodily fluids. And if you require further proof, you can mail specimens you’ve collected in an enclosed envelope to a laboratory for testing to determine whether they match your DNA, your mate’s — or someone else’s. The kit costs $79.95 (877-362-9900 or www.trutestinc.com). Sending specimens for laboratory DNA testing will cost at least $500.

High-tech checking

Suspicious spouses also are using global positioning systems, or GPS, to track their mates’ whereabouts.

Larry Wasylin, vice president of sales and marketing for Magnolia Broadband of Bedminster, N.J., has seen it firsthand in recent months during business trips to Asia. In one instance, he says, he was dining at a restaurant when a colleague pulled out and stared at his cellphone.

“I said, ‘What are you doing?’ He said, ‘I’m looking to see where my wife is.’ She was picking up the kids from an after-school program. He said, ‘She’ll be home in about 30 minutes.’ They’re marketing it right now under the brand iKids,” he adds. ‘The idea is, it allows parents to ensure the safety of their children. … It’s not confined to children. People like to know where their spouses are.”

Cellphones that capture video can do the same thing, he says, allowing a private eye to tape your mate and then stream data to you.

Wasylin says he also saw reports about a new chip inserted into a cellphone to allow suspicious husbands and wives to listen in on their spouses’ calls without them knowing.

Some are using the images they’ve seen and conversations they’ve heard to confront the cheaters.

He says you can expect to see this technology hit U.S. markets in the not-so-distant future.

Use all your senses

To Ruth Houston, author of “Is He Cheating on You? — 829 Telltale Signs” (Lifestyle Publications, $29.95), gizmos and gadgets won’t tell the whole story. For example, she says, GPS will tell you where they are but not what they’re doing or with whom. Computer spyware will tell you the content of the e-mails going back and forth, but there is information you still will not be able to detect, such as the seriousness of the relationship or the identity of the other person.

Even private investigators are limited by what you tell them. The more detailed information you can give them, the better.

“You don’t need a lot of gadgets,” says Houston, who has been researching infidelity for more than a decade since discovering her ex cheated on her.

“You can find countless signs of infidelity using only your eyes, your ears and your personal knowledge of your mate. The key is knowing what to look for.”

That involves being tuned into your mate’s work habits, daily schedule, and likes and dislikes, Houston says.

“Then you can zero in on what’s happening. You will see changes across the board. There will be things you pick up in their conversation, personal hygiene, how they relate to you, personal behaviors, changes in all those areas,” which she lists on www.infidelityadvice.com.

Some focus on obvious signs (lipstick on the collar, coming home late) and overlook the subtle clues, Houston says.

For instance, your spouse takes a sudden interest in things, like volunteering to take over paying the monthly bills — a job you’ve been doing — to give you, he or she says, a much-needed break.

“You say, ‘That’s nice,’ but maybe he doesn’t want you to see the bills and what he’s been spending his money on,” Houston says.

Once you have proof

Don’t confront your spouse with only your suspicions, some say. Go with proof.

Even with that, some cheaters will never admit betrayal, says Mark Barondess, a Los Angeles attorney and author of the new book “What Were You Thinking?: $600-Per-Hour Legal Advice on Relationships, Marriage & Divorce” (Phoenix, $25.95).

“They could be having sex right in front of their spouse and tell them, ‘It wasn’t me,’ ” he says.

“People will do and say anything they possibly can to avoid admitting they were caught cheating.”

When you confront your spouse about suspicions, pay close attention to his or her reactions, looking for anything that would be a break from the norm: a glitch in his body language or a change in the cadence or pitch of her voice, says Greg Hartley, a U.S. Army interrogator for 15 years who co-authored the new book “How to Spot a Liar: Why People Don’t Tell the Truth … and How You Can Catch Them” (Career Press, $14.99).

“This is what catches most liars: We can’t practice, rehearse or create enough details to sustain a lie. It’s the little details that break a story,” Hartley says.

“You can ask, ‘Where were you at 2 this afternoon?’ I can lie and say, ‘I was at work.’ But if I ask you to give me a timeline of your day, the details will bite you.”

Hartley’s co-author, Maryann Karinch, also says it’s important to approach the conversation logically and calmly so that it doesn’t get ugly or out of control.

Ultimately, Karinch says, you have to ask yourself which outcome you want: To catch your spouse in a lie? To salvage your marriage? To get a big divorce settlement? To hear he or she is deeply sorry?

“If you want to save the marriage and you are genuinely distressed that the person is cheating on you, then you need to come directly into contact with this person about the facts of the matter and the emotions of the matter,” she says.

 

If you suspect your spouse is cheating but aren’t getting what you need with these tips, we are always here to help!

Do Cheaters Ever Prosper?

Do Cheaters Prosper?

BY HEATHER POLLOCK
Knight Ridder Newspapers

It’s the moment you’ve been dreading for the past week: your big algebra exam. You squirm anxiously in your seat as you wait for the test to drop onto your desk. You haven’t studied, but it’s no big deal: You know you can bluff your way through.

Your teacher says to begin. You pick up your pencil, ready to answer the first question — but you’re completely stumped. Clueless, you nervously look at the paper of the kid next to you, and start to copy his answers. You leave the classroom an hour later feeling somewhat guilty. However, your guilt is soon overcome by a feeling of relief — you might have actually passed.

As students, we are all too familiar with this type of situation. Cheating on tests has become too much of a norm. Students don’t see a problem with cheating because they think everyone does it. And unfortunately, it seems as though almost everyone does do it.

Not only do we see cheating in schools but also in relationships or at work. Pop culture is full of cheaters. Tabloid headlines gleefully note which celebrity is cheating on his or her spouse.

Politicians do it, parents do it, why shouldn’t teens? Society has become accustomed to taking shortcuts and lowering the bar for integrity.

I witnessed an almost identical situation to the aforementioned instance recently in my English class. We were being tested on a book we were reading. Once the tests had been passed out, I looked around. I felt a lack of surprise when I noticed at least six or seven students get out a little cheat sheet and reference it under their seats throughout the entire test.

Not only does this act of dishonesty disappoint me, but it also angers me. Yes, my school has a zero-tolerance cheating policy, so students should obviously abide by it. Right?

Of course. But I think there’s a bigger picture here: Are students really that desperate to achieve that they are forced to cheat? Are they so lazy and unmotivated that they can’t study for a test? Is their self-confidence really that low that they don’t think they can pass without cheating in some way? The answers to these questions remain murky.

Students may feel obligated to cheat not only because they want to succeed in the easiest way possible, but they also believe that honor and ethics are things of the past.

It’s possible that students and people everywhere don’t see a problem with cheating because society and the media have exposed it and made it seem justifiable. For example, after the Clinton scandal, most of his supporters were still on his side. They excused his cheating as a personal matter. If your president is dishonest, then …

I’m not saying that I’m perfect or that I’ve never cheated. In fact, I’m pretty sure almost everyone has, but that doesn’t come close to justifying it. I once wrote the answers on my hand for a history test in seventh grade, and my teacher caught me red-handed — literally. Because this teacher was one of my absolute favorites, there were no words to describe how ashamed, embarrassed and regretful I immediately felt. My excuse for cheating: I had forgotten to study, but I wanted to keep my straight A’s. I thought cheating would help me achieve that. Little did I know that I was only hurting myself.

One does not learn anything by cheating, copying or simply not doing one’s own work. I’m not trying to preach here, but, honestly, what’s the point in cheating? It may be a temporary solution to your problems of laziness or apathy, but how will it permanently benefit you? You haven’t learned anything or gained anything, except how to sneak a peek at someone else’s paper or minimize your handwriting to fit onto a scrap of paper. I would rather achieve in school by reading, studying and doing my own work than by cheating to slide by.

Maybe students feel the need to cheat because they feel the pressure placed upon them by parents and teachers, and even peers, is just too much to handle. This excuse is at least somewhat more realistic than the others. However, teachers and parents want students to succeed by learning on their own and simply doing the best they can.

You’ve probably heard teachers say, “I want to see your own work, not that of the person next to you” a million times, but it’s true. Your intelligence cannot be measured by your peers’ work. As for peer pressure, the same thing applies: Do you really want your fellow students thinking you’re a dishonest person? Think of how you would feel if you studied really hard for a test and students cheated off of you.

You would probably feel, well, cheated. Do cheaters prosper?

Premarital Spying in Vogue

Premarital spying in vogue in Shanghai

SHANGHAI, Jan. 4 Residents in Shanghai are increasingly hiring detectives to investigate their prospective marriage partners before tying the knot, the Shanghai Daily reports.

A normal investigation will take one to two weeks, with detectives checking up on family background, education, criminal record, finances and health, the newspaper said. Some hired spies attempt to socialize with the person’s friends and co-workers to learn about his or her personality, and many take photographs or videos as evidence.

Some parents hire investigative services to check out their children’s fiancées, said Luo Tian, a manager at Da Shanghai Private Detective Investigation.

In a recent online poll to which 3,338 people responded, 1,908 said they would use investigative services because modern society had made people superficial and untrustworthy. The other 1,430 voters opposed them, saying marriage should be based on trust.

Liu Jun, a Shanghai psychologist, said online dating and chatting had weakened people’s ability to trust each other.

Interesting USA Today Story on Infidelity

A right time to fool around?

By Sharon Jayson, USA TODAY

Some men cheat on their partners. So do some women. Now researchers say it is more than a wandering eye that might cause a woman to stray.
Maybe Diane Lane couldn’t help being Unfaithful it could have been her biology talking. Maybe Diane Lane couldn’t help being Unfaithful— it could have been her biology talking.
Twentieth Century Fox

Feelings of lust actually may be rooted in women’s biology, according to a small study of 38 college women to be published online Wednesday in the scholarly journal Hormones and Behavior.

Studies from the University of California-Los Angeles and the University of New Mexico-Albuquerque suggest an evolutionary tendency toward infidelity during ovulation, which is the most fertile part of the menstrual cycle. The studies suggest the propensity is more likely if women don’t view their partners as sexy.

“Something biologically wakes up around high fertility and says, ‘Is your romantic partner the best sexual partner for you, given that you’re likely to conceive?’ ” says Martie Haselton, assistant professor of communication and psychology at UCLA’s Center for Behavior, Evolution, and Culture.

Along those evolutionary lines, men more than women desire a variety of sexual partners because genes carrying that trait were passed along in men, Haselton says.

Women tend to be choosier, she says.

Previous research has found that women at midcycle report greater sexual attraction to men other than their partners. That is a result of the ancestral belief that good looks often equal good genes for offspring, so although the partner may be a good long-term mate and represent sought-after qualities in a father, a more physically attractive man may spark desire in ovulating women, she says.

“Those with stable but relatively unattractive guys are particularly attracted to other men at midcycle,” says Steven Gangestad, a psychology professor at New Mexico who helped analyze the data. “If a sexy guy is the primary partner, they don’t show the effect. This is about the men.”

Women don’t intend to feel attracted to others, Haselton says. “It’s a natural thing for women to kind of look around, and every once in a while to feel attracted to someone other than their partner. It does not mean the relationship is in peril.”

Study subjects completed questionnaires every day for 35 days in which they assessed their feelings and experiences as well as reporting how their partners behaved toward them. Most, but not all, reported having a partner.

Gangestad says men who aren’t necessarily tuned in to their partners’ cycles somehow are still aware that their ovulating women might stray. During such times, unattractive men were more attentive and possessive, but attractive guys didn’t shift their behavior, the women reported.

A second study involving 43 coeds who report their feelings during high and low points of fertility supports the findings.

Because both studies are small samples of students in relationships of varying seriousness, Gangestad says, the findings can be generalized only to the college population. Further study would be needed to say whether the findings apply to married couples or those in longer-term relationships.

“Haselton is not saying, ‘Go fool around on your guys in the middle of the month,’ ” says Daniel Fessler, director of the UCLA center. “She’s saying, ‘Women have changes in what they’re attracted to in ways that are predictable.’ “

The Other Woman – by CBS

(CBS) For Kristen Stephens, voices of her father, Dr. David Stephens, bring back a lifetime of memories and voices from the past.

But Kristen could never have imagined how it all would end.

“How can this happen to an everyday apple-pie family,” she says. “There are the kind of things you read about in the headlines or see on TV. These types of things don’t happen to you. And I just can’t fathom how one person can have such a huge impact on an entire family.”

She’s talking about Stephanie Stephens, her stepmother, whom Kristen says tore her family apart and murdered her father.

“I hate her. I wish her nothing but ill will,” says Kristen. “I think she is an evil person.”

“I’m a good person. I care a lot about other people, and those people that are closest to me know it,” says Stephanie. “It’s just, unfortunately, the bad decisions that I’ve made have been public folly.”

But in the sleepy town of Hattiesburg, Miss., what happened to this prominent surgeon was the stuff that scandals are made of. Correspondent Harold Dow reports.

Both Stephanie and David were married when they first met. She’d landed a nursing job at the heart clinic Dr. Stephens had founded. For him, Hattiesburg was home for more than a decade. He had been married to wife Karen for 34 years, and they had two children: Kristen and Allen.

Before long, Stephanie, a married mother of two daughters, says she began to fall for the man behind the surgeon’s mask: “We both felt like we were in love and talked about it. And neither one of us were willing to leave our partners.”

The couple began an affair and their secret trysts continued for years – until their affair was discovered in 1995, when Stephanie decided to call Dr. Stephens’ house.

“My mother had answered the phone,” recalls Kristen, who says that her mother suspected her husband was cheating, but didn’t know until then, with whom. Now, she was devastated. “She got a gun, then she ran out into the driveway with it in her mouth and called his name, wanting him to turn around and look at her — to see how desperate she was that she could not tolerate him leaving her. And she tripped and the gun went off.”

Karen Stephens was rushed to the hospital with a gunshot wound to the head. For three months, she lived in a coma, until one night, she died. It was ruled a suicide.

“I knew that it was very important that if I wanted to keep my father, I needed to let him know that I forgave him for that,” says Kristen. “And I couldn’t be angry with him, because I knew from his voice, from the words that he used to talk to me about it, that he felt enormously guilty.”

Stephanie says she felt guilty, too: “I did contribute to her death by having an affair with a married man, and the consequences that go along with that … It was several months before I could look at myself in the mirror! It was painful.”

But she and David seemed determined to move on. Months later, right in front of the Stephens’ home, where Karen had shot herself, the couple were married. “I thought it was too soon,” says Kristen. “I accepted the marriage, but it didn’t mean I had to like Stephanie.” Stephanie says she was a loving wife, and stuck by her new husband, even when he fell seriously ill in the summer of 2000.

“He was diagnosed with Hepatitis C and was in liver failure … And was on the liver transplant waiting list. And he also had diabetes,” says Stephanie. “The thought of having a long-term illness to a surgeon is unthinkable. He talked about not wanting to go through having a liver transplant.”

“She didn’t care how he died, as long as he was dead,” says Kristen, who claims that Stephanie never loved her father – only his money.

On May 1, 2001, Kristen discovered that her father had died in his sleep. “I was extremely shocked that he had died,” says Kristen, who left her home in North Carolina and rushed to Hattiesburg, suspecting foul play. “When I entered the bedroom, I knew immediately, she’d done something to him.”

She says Stephanie was acting strangely: “On the bed were all of my father’s financial documents. Who would be reading that sort of stuff, not even 24 hours after their husband died?”

”There’s not a day that goes by when I don’t think of him,” says Stephanie.

But Kristen believes Stephanie is responsible for her father’s death: “I shoved her up against the wall, and I stared her right in the face and I said, ‘You killed my mother…and you killed my father…and I hope you rot in hell, you bitch!’” David Stephens was chief of surgery at Hattiesburg’s Forrest General Hospital. He was on the board there, and at the university in town.

Stephanie admits she is guilty of adultery, but not of murder: “Just because people don’t like me, doesn’t make me a killer.”

In fact, Stephanie says her life has been like a Greek tragedy. Soon after she married David Stephens in 1996, she was crippled in a car crash. After Stephens’ death, the dream house they built together was robbed.

And now, with Kristen Stephens contesting her father’s will, Stephanie says it’s hard to make ends meet. She has no car, and no phone. But it’s been the loss of her friends that’s hurt the most.

“The truth keeps me going. That, and my daughters,” says Stephanie, whose daughters live nearby with her first husband. Krystal, 16, is Stephanie’s only real link to the outside world. “They’re the reason that life goes on. It’s hard to stay focused on a reason to live.”

Stephanie says that before David died, he was feeling the same way. Even with almost a million dollars in a retirement fund, she says they worried about their future: “It was tough. We had gone from, you know, making a full surgeon’s salary to disability.”

By the spring of 2001, David was weak and disoriented – and rarely slept through the night. On the night of May 1, Stephanie says he tossed and turned for hours, and fell asleep around dawn.

“I woke up and when I sat up in bed, I saw him. He was purple in the face and I got up and ran around the side and pulled the covers back, and he was blue and not breathing,” recalls Stephanie. “It was obvious he was dead and had been dead. He was cool. I just laid there and cried. Put my head on his chest and cried.”

Coroner Butch Benedict was on the scene: “When we first got there, it appears to be that he died in his sleep.”

David was lying on his back, arms crossed on his chest, his insulin pump strapped to his side. Benedict says he thought he had an open and shut case, until Stephanie opened her mouth and seemed in a hurry to remove the insulin vials from the pump.

This made Benedict suspicious. When he ran blood tests on the body, he said “there were chemicals in his body that shouldn’t be there.” He contacted Hattiesburg Det. Rusty Keyes, who started digging deeper into the case.

“The fact is that he died, whether accidentally or by his own hand, that’s a question I’ll never know the answer to,” says Stephanie, who claims that he was ill and depressed at the time of his death.

“He was not depressed. Stephanie wanted people to think my father was very sick because it was convenient for everyone to think he was very sick, because they wouldn’t question when he died,” says Kristen, who plans to help Keyes unmask a murderer.

“Stephanie wanted to live the life of a socialite. She had the fancy house. She had the nice cars, the best clothes,” says Keyes. “She wanted it easy. She wanted it through Dr. Stephens’ hard work … This man was murdered, and I was going to prove how.”

“The time that I spent with David was so good that it’s hard to deny that that was the best years of my life,” says Stephanie Stephens, who insists she has no idea how her husband died next to her in bed. “You never prepare yourself for when you wake up and your husband’s dead.”

But Kristen, David’s daughter, doesn’t buy her story: “She knew when she married my father he was sick. I don’t think that he died quick enough for her, is what the problem was.”

Kristen says Stephanie was counting on people assuming David Stephens died of natural causes and never thought coroner Butch Benedict would do a blood test on the body.

“There was a chemical in his blood that was usually given by an anesthesiologist,” says Benedict, who discovered Etomidate, an anesthetic, in his system. “So where did that drug come from because it should not be in his system?”

“First, we had to find out how he could have gotten this etomidate in his system. That’s all we had,” says Hattiesburg Det. Rusty Keyes. “She [Stephanie] didn’t have any idea how this drug got into his system. and she didn’t even know what the drug was.”

But Stephanie allowed police to search the house, and Keyes says he discovered some interesting things. “I found that he was a diabetic, and that he was on an insulin pump,” says Keyes. “It was obvious that we had to exhume Dr. Stephens, to prove exactly how he died.” More tests produced more questions. There was another drug in Stephens’ body, called Atricurium, used to relax muscles during surgery while patients are on life support.

But without life support, Keyes says it will “totally paralyze your heart, your lungs, and you will die.” In fact, he says these drugs act so quickly that David couldn’t have possibly injected himself and cleaned up afterwards.

“That told me lots that somebody cleaned up, so then I knew then that I had a homicide,” says Keyes, who also discovered a piece of paper – one that said that every year on May 1, David Stephens’ Metlife pension fund mailed him an option to cash out for almost a million dollars. David had always signed the form, checking the box that declined to cash out.

But in 2001, Keyes noticed that David Stephens’ signature was on the form, and the cash out box was signed. The form was dated April 30, the day before he died. On that date, Metlife hadn’t even mailed the form out yet.

“Somebody wanted his money,” says Keyes. “Somebody wanted to continue living the lifestyle they were accustomed to.”