Adultery is often about self-esteem, not lust

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By Courtenay Edelhart / Indianapolis Star

There was a time when adultery was scandalous. Infidelity nearly ruined the career of Frank Sinatra after he left his wife for Ava Gardner. It didn’t endear Eddie Fisher and Liz Taylor to the public, either.

Now adultery is hard to avoid in film, television or the real-life celebrity betrayal du jour in newspapers and magazines. The Internet is clogged with spouses cruising for discreet trysts. Many portals and dating services even specialize in facilitating such liaisons.

“I grew up in a neighborhood where there was a case of husband A running off with wife B, and it was a talked-about scandal for years afterward,” says Tom W. Smith, director of the University of Chicago’s National Opinion Research Center, which has researched adult sexual behavior. “It’s just not shocking anymore. Our TV images have gone from ‘Ozzie and Harriett’ to ‘Desperate Housewives.’ ”

Yet, 91 percent of those questioned in a Gallup Poll last year said affairs are morally wrong.

What gives?

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adultery is often about self-esteem

No you should not contact the “other person”

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We had another determined client who insisted on confronting the “other person” after our spousal surveillance revealed an affair on the part of her spouse. We were able to positively identify who the other woman is and reported this back to our client. Unfortunately, our client insisted on learning everything possible about this other woman despite our urging that she NOT do this and our unwillingness to give her the woman’s personal information. Instead, she did her own detective work and then began calling this woman at home and at work asking her over and over again “why” she did this. Although on some level we can appreciate that it would likely feel good, this is NOT acceptable behavior and if you really think about it, nothing good is going to come of it. In this case, nothing good came to our former client. Instead, she got served with a personal protection order and civil law suit for harassment. Word to the wise, take control of your life and know the truth, but avoid the conflict.

Can a marriage be fixed after infidelity

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Although we are not counselors, we do hear a great deal about real cases of infidelity everyday, and based on those cases, we would have to say, yes they can be fixed. Obviously, the first step is to get the truth. Your spouse, for many reasons, will lie to you, often they try and lie even after proof is shown to them. Once you get proof, you need to decide if you want to keep the relationship alive and for the right reasons. At this point we would advise that you get some professional help either from your church or community services or from a marriage counselor to help you to determine how to move forward.

Can a marriage be fixed after infidelity

 

Can you catch a cheater on your own

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Can you catch a cheater on your own? Many times that answer is yes. Some situations absolutely require the assistance of a professional to get results safely, but others have some excellent options to get the information on their own. We NEVER advocate doing surveillance on your own. Not only will the evidence be useless in court, you will be putting yourself in needless danger. The same is true for having a friend or relative do it for you and frankly, this requires a license in most states.

If you think that you can catch a cheater yourself, you will need the right tools. Spy Tools.

Tracking Device Laws in California

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We frequently get people from California asking about the utilization of tracking devices to catch a cheating spouse or cheating boy/girl friend. The tracking device laws are clear, so beware of anyone who offers this service to you. You are in a great deal of trouble as is the P.I.

Here are the tracking device laws in California:

637.7. (a) No person or entity in this state shall use an
electronic tracking device to determine the location or movement of a
person.
(b) This section shall not apply when the registered owner,
lessor, or lessee of a vehicle has consented to the use of the
electronic tracking device with respect to that vehicle.
(c) This section shall not apply to the lawful use of an
electronic tracking device by a law enforcement agency.
(d) As used in this section, “electronic tracking device” means
any device attached to a vehicle or other movable thing that reveals
its location or movement by the transmission of electronic signals.
(e) A violation of this section is a misdemeanor.
(f) A violation of this section by a person, business, firm,
company, association, partnership, or corporation licensed under
Division 3 (commencing with Section 5000) of the Business and
Professions Code shall constitute grounds for revocation of the
license issued to that person, business, firm, company, association,
partnership, or corporation, pursuant to the provisions that provide
for the revocation of the license as set forth in Division 3
(commencing with Section 5000) of the Business and Professions Code.

Cell Phone Speed Dial Numbers

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We had a client who was certain that her husband was having an affair but on every occasion when she thought he was out with the other woman, he claimed to be with his best friend. She would see that he called his best friend before and after they met to “watch basketball”, “work on his friends computer” and every other excuse. He would get calls on the weekend and go outside to talk, but when she checked out his cell phone, the last call received was from “Mike”.

After explaining all of this, we asked her if she actually verified that the number he programmed as “Mike” in his speed dial was actually Mike’s. After a very long pause, we both learned that Mike’s number is actually his ex-girlfriends. Lesson to the wise, verify!

Keeping a Journal About Suspected Affair

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If you are one of many that have a hunch of a suspected affair, one of the best ways to help you determine if your partner is engaged in an affair is to keep a DAILY journal of their activities. If he or she left an hour early for work, did errands they typically never do (like stopped at the grocery store), bought new clothes, put on sexy underwear. Things like car mileage being 30 miles more than just work and back, a 40-minute trip to the store at 9:40 at night… just to get milk, stayed up on the computer after you went to sleep, and the list goes on. Do this for a week or two and try to be as impartial and unemotional as possible. By keeping a journal about suspected affair activity, you will get some real information to reflect on. Once you see this, it can really help you piece together if something is going on or not.

 

 

PsychologyToday reveals the facts on Infidelity

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We found an excellent article on psychologytoday.com called “The New Sex Scorecard”, authored by Hara Estroff Marano. The article provides some excellent insight in to the differences between men and woman. The following is an excerpt from her article about changes in infidelity called “The Incredible Shrinking Double Standard” .

Nothing unites men and women better than sex. Yet nothing divides us more either. Males and females differ most in mating psychology because our minds are shaped by and for our reproductive mandates. That sets up men for sex on the side and a more casual attitude toward it.

Twenty-five percent of wives and 44 percent of husbands have had extramarital intercourse, reports Baltimore psychologist Shirley Glass, Ph.D. Traditionally for men, love is one thing and sex is…well, sex.

In what may be a shift of epic proportions, sexual infidelity is mutating before our very eyes. Increasingly, men as well as women are forming deep emotional attachments before they even slip into an extramarital bed together. It often happens as they work long hours together in the office.

“The sex differences in infidelity are disappearing,” says Glass, the doyenne of infidelity research. “In my original 1980 study, there was a high proportion of men who had intercourse with almost no emotional involvement at all–nonrelational sex. Today, more men are getting emotionally involved.”

One consequence of the growing parity in affairs is greater devastation of the betrayed spouse. The old-style strictly sexual affair never impacted men’s marital satisfaction. “You could be in a good marriage and still cheat,” reports Glass.

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Veteran Private Investigator discusses untruthful clients

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Private investigator Joe Tadlock gives an interesting interview to the Roseville Press-Tribune about the problems that private investigators face when dealing with clients that lie or sometimes worse, intentionally leave out important facts that they know we would want to be aware of before we take an assignment. Mr. Tadlock demonstrates how a trained detective can recognize signs of deception, even on thew part of our prospective clients. If you are thinking about hiring a private investigator, please keep this in mind and review the complete story here.