Archive for category: Spousal Surveillance

Men have a way of wanting to hurt others and yet if the same hurt and pain is inflicted on them, they are the first to cry foul.

Which takes me back to a time long back when I was still in the nerve-wrecking institution called marriage and my husband had this nerve of coming home in the early hours of the morning while I was stuck at home with the children.

Then one day I decided enough was enough and joined my girlfriends for a ladies only session at one girl’s house where we sat, talked, laughed and tried to put our marital woes behind.

Needless to say, time flew past and I got home around 22.30 to find the man of the house pacing up and down the corridor with a worried and annoyed look on his handsome face.

It was quite amazing because I had told him where I was going to be and considering the times he often came home, he should have been the last man to complain and rant and rave about the need to be considerate about a spouse’s needs. However, men will always be men the sooner women realise this the better.

I do understand the issue of women who know they are being hurt but just never have the guts to walk away.

While I do understand this fact about women, I do not always believe in it and many a time I have ended up alone and miserable after having dumped a man who was not treating me well.

There was a time I was in a beautiful relationship with a guy who was fine and whom I loved so wholeheartedly.

Things were so good between us such that my sixth sense was even convinced that we would end up as husband and wife.

Trouble started when he seemed to have no respect for me when it came to keeping appointments and dates as it seemed that whenever he met his boys for a drink, he would banish me to the back of his mind and show up as and when he was through with the stuff that boys do.

I ignored this behaviour the first two instances it happened and advised him to mend his ways or risk losing something I knew we both treasured.

He promised to change and I foolishly believed him just the way a woman who is totally in love does but the final straw was soon to come. He stood me up for an important date and rocked up at my place very late and for me that was enough.

I did not want him to stop hanging out with the boys, all I wanted was to be advised if he couldn’t make it so I could make my own plans but in this case, I realized the brother man was taking me for granted and expecting me just to hang in there and wait as if he was the last man on earth.

Yes I did love this man and still have images of a love that was so beautiful in all other ways except time keeping. However, fact is a man has got to respect his woman if the relationship is to survive.

It has been a while since I walked away and in my heart of hearts I know I did the right thing and I hope he learnt something from this painful break-up that we both had to endure.

At times we need to be hurt in order to make a point to men and while I know it may be too much for women who dread leaving the comfort of their homes, breaking up the children, being cold alone on a winter night, etc. the same women should consider the results of their decision to stay.

A woman I knew for many years and whom I loved so dearly had a husband who walked out on her to marry a woman whose wayward ways were known in the town where they all lived.

He was gone for five years which was ample time for him to contract the deadly HIV from this new wife of his and despite people’s warnings and pleas, he turned a deaf ear.

Then things went wrong and he decided to go back to his faithful wife who had battled it alone for five years looking after their only daughter.

I was quite young, just out of my teens when it became apparent that he wanted to come back and I pleaded with this woman not to take him back or at least be very cautrious if she wanted to reconcile with him.

My advice fell on deaf ears and four years from the time that he returned home, she passed away, having endured an agonizing and painful death which still brings tears to my eyes although almost ten years have gone by since she left.

That woman was, is and will always be someone I hold most dear and who I will always miss. She was, is and will always be my aunt, my mother’s youngest sister.

I can only hope that not too many women have to go through this, maybe that is why I am not ready to compromise much when it comes to wayward men and while I know it is man’s nature to cheat, it need not put others at risk, neither do men have to be careless as to leave evidence of their betrayal for all to see.

I suppose that what you don’t know or see wont hurt you but in this day and age, one can only hope not to get caught but in the end the result of the cheating will always come out as the disease catches up with the individual if not with all the people involved.

It is one of the reasons why women should always insist on protection unless one is sure that she is in a monogamous relationship and in this vein I am not even sure how the woman is supposed to know that the man is not playing games.

In conclusion, I hope that men will learn to treasure the women who truly love them and not subject them to painful deaths and emotional stress all because of an urge to enjoy themselves.

As for women, let us not be too understanding and accommodating in all instances lest men take us as their doormats and walk all over us as they please.

So come on women, move on, it will not be easy but try and save yourselves from future pain and the deadly disease. It is now or never.

By Pat Burson
Newsday

You’re reading the newspaper, and your husband or wife could be cheating on you at this very moment.

Not possible, you think?

Of the 19,000 U.S. adults responding anonymously to a national survey about their sexual behavior between 1991 and 2004, 13 percent of women and 22 percent of men reported having a sexual partner other than their spouse while they were married, says Tom W. Smith, director of the General Social Survey at the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago. Although the figures remained relatively stable for men throughout that time, Smith says the numbers for women fluctuated between 11 percent and 14 percent, indicating a “small but clear upward trend.”

So, how can you be so sure they are — or aren’t?

Relationship and infidelity experts, private investigators, technology specialists and divorce attorneys say if you know the subtle and not-so-subtle signs to look for, they’ll point you to the answer.

You can put your five senses to work. Or you can shell out hundreds — or thousands — of dollars to hire a private detective. You also can invest in the newest high-tech products on the market — computer spyware, electronic tracking devices, in-home evidence-gathering kits among them — in an effort to catch cheating mates.

David Vitalli, a private investigator and chief executive of Tru-Test Forensic and Applied Sciences Corp. in Newburgh, N.Y., says his company recently began marketing a patented home evidence-collection kit that will help spouses detect with 100 percent accuracy whether their mates have been intimate with someone else.

The kit contains an ultraviolet light that will detect stains on your mate’s clothing that are normally impossible to see or feel. Protein and enzyme formulas included in the kit also will identify the presence of bodily fluids. And if you require further proof, you can mail specimens you’ve collected in an enclosed envelope to a laboratory for testing to determine whether they match your DNA, your mate’s — or someone else’s. The kit costs $79.95 (877-362-9900 or www.trutestinc.com). Sending specimens for laboratory DNA testing will cost at least $500.

High-tech checking

Suspicious spouses also are using global positioning systems, or GPS, to track their mates’ whereabouts.

Larry Wasylin, vice president of sales and marketing for Magnolia Broadband of Bedminster, N.J., has seen it firsthand in recent months during business trips to Asia. In one instance, he says, he was dining at a restaurant when a colleague pulled out and stared at his cellphone.

“I said, ‘What are you doing?’ He said, ‘I’m looking to see where my wife is.’ She was picking up the kids from an after-school program. He said, ‘She’ll be home in about 30 minutes.’ They’re marketing it right now under the brand iKids,” he adds. ‘The idea is, it allows parents to ensure the safety of their children. … It’s not confined to children. People like to know where their spouses are.”

Cellphones that capture video can do the same thing, he says, allowing a private eye to tape your mate and then stream data to you.

Wasylin says he also saw reports about a new chip inserted into a cellphone to allow suspicious husbands and wives to listen in on their spouses’ calls without them knowing.

Some are using the images they’ve seen and conversations they’ve heard to confront the cheaters.

He says you can expect to see this technology hit U.S. markets in the not-so-distant future.

Use all your senses

To Ruth Houston, author of “Is He Cheating on You? — 829 Telltale Signs” (Lifestyle Publications, $29.95), gizmos and gadgets won’t tell the whole story. For example, she says, GPS will tell you where they are but not what they’re doing or with whom. Computer spyware will tell you the content of the e-mails going back and forth, but there is information you still will not be able to detect, such as the seriousness of the relationship or the identity of the other person.

Even private investigators are limited by what you tell them. The more detailed information you can give them, the better.

“You don’t need a lot of gadgets,” says Houston, who has been researching infidelity for more than a decade since discovering her ex cheated on her.

“You can find countless signs of infidelity using only your eyes, your ears and your personal knowledge of your mate. The key is knowing what to look for.”

That involves being tuned into your mate’s work habits, daily schedule, and likes and dislikes, Houston says.

“Then you can zero in on what’s happening. You will see changes across the board. There will be things you pick up in their conversation, personal hygiene, how they relate to you, personal behaviors, changes in all those areas,” which she lists on www.infidelityadvice.com.

Some focus on obvious signs (lipstick on the collar, coming home late) and overlook the subtle clues, Houston says.

For instance, your spouse takes a sudden interest in things, like volunteering to take over paying the monthly bills — a job you’ve been doing — to give you, he or she says, a much-needed break.

“You say, ‘That’s nice,’ but maybe he doesn’t want you to see the bills and what he’s been spending his money on,” Houston says.

Once you have proof

Don’t confront your spouse with only your suspicions, some say. Go with proof.

Even with that, some cheaters will never admit betrayal, says Mark Barondess, a Los Angeles attorney and author of the new book “What Were You Thinking?: $600-Per-Hour Legal Advice on Relationships, Marriage & Divorce” (Phoenix, $25.95).

“They could be having sex right in front of their spouse and tell them, ‘It wasn’t me,’ ” he says.

“People will do and say anything they possibly can to avoid admitting they were caught cheating.”

When you confront your spouse about suspicions, pay close attention to his or her reactions, looking for anything that would be a break from the norm: a glitch in his body language or a change in the cadence or pitch of her voice, says Greg Hartley, a U.S. Army interrogator for 15 years who co-authored the new book “How to Spot a Liar: Why People Don’t Tell the Truth … and How You Can Catch Them” (Career Press, $14.99).

“This is what catches most liars: We can’t practice, rehearse or create enough details to sustain a lie. It’s the little details that break a story,” Hartley says.

“You can ask, ‘Where were you at 2 this afternoon?’ I can lie and say, ‘I was at work.’ But if I ask you to give me a timeline of your day, the details will bite you.”

Hartley’s co-author, Maryann Karinch, also says it’s important to approach the conversation logically and calmly so that it doesn’t get ugly or out of control.

Ultimately, Karinch says, you have to ask yourself which outcome you want: To catch your spouse in a lie? To salvage your marriage? To get a big divorce settlement? To hear he or she is deeply sorry?

“If you want to save the marriage and you are genuinely distressed that the person is cheating on you, then you need to come directly into contact with this person about the facts of the matter and the emotions of the matter,” she says.

If you suspect your spouse is cheating but aren’t getting what you need with these tips, we are always here to help!

The Fort Worth Police Department is caught on tape with its captain down.

By PABLO LASTRA and JEFF PRINCE

At first glance, nothing seemed unusual on April 13 at Vandergriff Park in Arlington, just a typical weekday afternoon. Parents played with children, people walked dogs, squirrels looked for nuts, and a breeze blew through the trees. Oh, and some people were thinking about hot sex.

In a parking lot, a couple inside a black Crown Victoria kissed, unaware that their movements were being captured on video. The silent spectator was a Dallas private detective, who jotted notes about what the male and female “suspects” appeared to be doing and in what positions.

About 45 minutes later, a Hispanic woman stepped from the car wearing a white top and black miniskirt, and drove away in a Toyota Tercel. Her rendezvous partner, a tall black man, left in the Crown Victoria. The license plate number was easily tracked: It was a Fort Worth city vehicle driven by Fort Worth Police Capt. Duane Paul.

Private detective Danny Gomez, a former Dallas police officer, was videotaping the romantic encounter at the request of the woman’s husband, Rafael Gutierrez, who suspected she was having an affair. Gomez works for the tv show Cheaters, where philandering spouses are captured on camera and later confronted. It’s a tawdry show — and a popular one. Entering its fifth season this fall, the show regularly draws several million viewers in 200 U.S. markets and around the world. The episode with Paul is expected to air locally on Nov. 5.

Gomez had witnessed similar encounters between the couple in previous weeks. As his investigation unfolded, it became clear that Maria Gutierrez was having an affair, and the man she was seeing wasn’t an ordinary citizen — he was one of the few high-ranking African-American officials in Fort Worth Police Department history, an 18-year veteran who repeatedly has found himself in the middle of messy sexual troubles, from which he always seems to emerge unscathed. His horndog ways are much discussed among police troops, who question how he keeps climbing the career ladder despite rocky female relationships that spill over into the workplace.

Fort Worth Police Officer Malinda Spence accused Paul and another police officer of sexually harassing her in the late 1990s, resulting in a lawsuit against the city. The city — meaning taxpayers — paid dearly for that one: $200,000, according to court records.

The city, however, said paying the money wasn’t an admission of wrong-doing. The lawsuit appears to be Paul’s only alleged sexual indiscretion that has been documented in the public record, but other situations are much gossiped about among the ranks. Several police officers spoke off the record about other incidents, involving work-hour trysts, women who complained that Paul was harassing them, and a girlfriend who stormed into a police station and accused him of trying to seduce her daughter. The officers spoke sarcastically about Paul’s custom of speaking to new police academy recruits about ethics — including one such speech given just a few days prior to his being caught on tape by Cheaters.

The only result thus far of Paul’s actions, the officers complain, is that he has been transferred to a different unit or promoted. Some say Paul’s close relationships with former Police Chief Thomas Windham and current Chief Ralph Mendoza have meant that his transgressions have gone away quietly and his penalties have been minimal. Others say his indiscretions have hurt him and that he might have been a deputy chief by now.

Bottom line: “If Paul wasn’t protected,” one officer said, “he’d be fired already.”

An internal police investigation is under way into Gutierrez’ complaint that Paul used a city car, on what appears to have been city time, to carry out his romances, said police spokesman Lt. Dean Sullivan. However, a lack of documentation regarding Paul’s prior activities, combined with strict civil service rules governing treatment of police officers, could limit the severity of the punishment. On the other hand, a “lack of moral character” clause in those rules could give Mendoza the authority to take stronger action. And Paul’s fellow officers are beginning to wonder whether the Cheaters episode might be his much-watched Waterloo.

Paul joined the Fort Worth police in 1987 after a lackluster scholastic and professional career. He attended Louisiana State University from 1984 to 1986 but earned miserable marks — including, perhaps prophetically, an F in a Marriage and Family Relations class. He dropped out after a half-dozen semesters, with a cumulative grade point average of 1.4, according to college transcripts in his police personnel file.

He went to work as a security guard but was fired for leaving his post without a supervisor’s permission. But then he joined the police department and seemed to have found his niche.

His commendation-packed personnel file shows a record of stellar accomplishments. His work evaluations are practically spotless, and Paul ascended through the ranks from officer to detective to sergeant to lieutenant and finally to captain with glowing praise. There’s only one note of admonishment in Paul’s public file from 1995, but details were unavailable.

After becoming a lieutenant in 2000, Paul served as department spokesman. His name was seen many times in the credits for the tv show Cops, which thanked him for his assistance during segments produced in Fort Worth.

Paul’s personnel file — or at least the portion released to Fort Worth Weekly — does not reveal his rumored sexual liaisons while on duty or the squabbles with girlfriends that flowed over into the workplace, but co-workers remember them well. They recall that a dentist who had been seeing Paul came in to complain to Internal Affairs that he was harassing her while on duty and in his city-issued car. Several police officers described “domestics” that occurred inside police substations, such as when a girlfriend arrived yelling and cursing, accusing Paul of making a pass at her 19-year-old daughter. “The mom raked his ass over the coals,” said an officer who worked with Paul at the time.

Paul was married in 1987, the same year he joined the department, but divorced five years later.

In 2000, Officer Malinda Spence, a nine-year police veteran, sued the city for sexual harassment. Spence stated in an affidavit that, having worked in the vice unit for three years, she was “far from hypersensitive to sexual commentary and actions.” She alleged that in 1997, her supervisor, then-Sgt. Duane Paul, repeatedly asked her if she wanted to “go for drinks in Dallas” after work. Paul even contacted her on the police radio while she was on patrol and asked to meet her when “most of the time there was no work-related reason for the meetings,” she said. The affidavit also mentioned that Paul spent an unusual amount of time on location at her calls. Spence testified she was uncomfortable with the situation and told Paul that there couldn’t be a romantic relationship between the two because she was married.

After that, Spence said Paul “began to hyper-scrutinize her work,” writing her up for “milking a call” when she responded to a traffic accident and waited for investigators to arrive. Another time, Paul disciplined Spence for leaving work five minutes early after finishing her lunch break, which coincided with the end of her shift. Spence told a supervisor that she had “no doubt that she was being treated this way because she shunned his affections.” After filing a sexual harassment complaint against Paul, Spence was transferred to a different unit. Still, Paul continued to retaliate, she said. On one occasion when Paul’s unit was under a heavy call load, she responded to a call in his district. Paul stated over the police radio that Spence was “not allowed in his district under any circumstances.” She testified that she was “humiliated” by that response.

Another officer was also named in the lawsuit. Spence accused Officer R.R. Nichols of kissing her without her consent after an arrest. Spence had borrowed Nichols’ handcuffs. Once they had booked the suspect, Spence said, Nichols approached her from behind and kissed her, saying that he was “charging her for the handcuffs.”

Spence, whose husband also worked in the department, complained to supervisors about Nichols and Paul. The complaints were dismissed. Instead, she came under investigation by Internal Affairs for allegedly filing false complaints of sexual harassment on Paul and Nichols, and the Internal Affairs officials recommended that she be indefinitely suspended — fired, for all practical purposes. A deputy chief reviewed the report but decided to suspend Spence for five days without pay. “The preponderance of the evidence … indicates that Spence was wrong in at least part of her allegation,” Spence’s captain wrote in his recommendation to the deputy chief. “Being wrong is not always the same as being untruthful.”

Still, Spence said in her affidavit that it became obvious to her that her reputation in the department now preceded her: She said a male officer called her a bitch, and other officers failed to come to her assistance on potentially dangerous calls, including a gang fight, because they thought she was a troublemaker.

The department and the city contended that Spence had been disciplined for good cause and that her allegations were unfounded. Yet the city settled the case in October 2002 without taking it to trial. The city declined to release performance evaluations of Paul from 2001, when the lawsuit was in court, but no reason for this was given. There is no record of any disciplinary action against Paul in the time frame of Spence’s accusations. Spence left the department three months after settling her lawsuit and has been an officer in Colleyville since April 2004.

Since then, other officers said, various other complaints against Paul regarding his involvement with women while on duty have been investigated by IA, but none led to any punishment that showed up in his record.

After he came under investigation in connection with the Cheaters controversy, Paul was transferred from his East Side command and into Criminal Investigations — a desk job. “Paul wasn’t happy about it because it took away his freedom,” one officer said. “The chief had to do something that looked like he was getting to the bottom of things. It’s not uncommon for him to hand down discipline that’s not really discipline.”

Paul later took an extended medical leave but has since returned to duty. He had previously declined to talk to the news media about the Cheaters footage when articles first appeared. When contacted by the Weekly on Tuesday, Paul asked what the story would cover. Told that it would include his career, the internal investigation, Spence’s lawsuit, and allegations by other officers about his domestic troubles spilling over into police stations, Paul declined comment.

Chief Mendoza did not return calls from the Weekly seeking comment. Police Lt. Dean Sullivan said an internal administrative investigation into Paul is continuing. “After the pertinent facts, details, and witnesses are interviewed, the case will be assembled and presented for a chain of command review,” he said. “The chief of police will receive the case and make a decision based on those facts. Any other elaboration or release of information on this matter would be inappropriate until the case disposition and chief’s recommendation are presented to the city of Fort Worth Civil Service Commission.”

Paul’s co-workers are unwilling to discuss the situation on the record. As a division captain, Paul is among a handful of top administrators, and few subordinates want to cross him, especially since he has long been viewed as the Teflon man — nothing ever sticks to him. But many were willing to speak off the record.

“He probably would have been the next deputy chief,” a police officer said. “But with this one, there is no way. The city council is yelling for his head. That puts Mendoza in a bad light.”

A parade of unfaithful spouses caught in the act and then confronted while cameras roll makes Cheaters, locally produced and shot, similar to The Jerry Springer Show but without the “and so we learned” moment at the end — unless the lesson is that cheating is bad. It’s the kind of show where the host gets stabbed in the stomach by an angry cheater and the cameras follow the bloody confrontation all the way to the ambulance as the credits roll. Creator and executive producer Bobby Goldstein has a habit of talking about his show in grand terms, going so far as to compare it to art. And who would know art better than a guy who hangs a portrait of himself in the lobby of the Cheaters office, appearing as the image of a Vegas-era Elvis, complete with pompadour and muttonchops?

But Danny Gomez takes his job seriously. As detective for the show, it’s his duty to trail suspected cheaters and videotape their trysts. As jobs go, it can be tedious. Much of the time it involves following people doing everyday stuff. But the job intensifies tenfold when a couple is caught in flagrante.

Gutierrez approached Gomez in March, after he and his wife had argued and she left the house, taking their son with her and later filing an assault charge against her husband. The argument had started when Gutierrez accused her of having a lover — and now he wanted Gomez to find out if he was right. Gomez, who works independently in addition to working for Cheaters, reassured the jealous husband that he would find out if something was going on behind his back. Gutierrez paid Gomez $2,000 on March 29.

It didn’t take the detective long to gather evidence. The day after being hired, Gomez followed Maria Gutierrez to a central Arlington park. The detective videotaped her getting into the parked black Crown Victoria with an “unknown black male.” Gomez’ report began, “Detective can observe some physical movement and contact in the vehicle.” Thirty minutes later, the report says, “Detective Gomez can only see one head at this time.”

The video shows Paul lying back on the seat. For most of the video, Maria Gutierrez is not visible. After an hour and a half, Maria emerged from the vehicle.

“There was kissing and hugging,” Gomez said. Beyond that, it was hard to tell exactly what went on.

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