Affairs of the heart: Relationships suffer from emotional betrayal

By Donecia Pea

doneciapea@gannett.com

It starts with an innocent friendship between two people.

Then common interests and similarities are discovered and a strong emotional bond is formed. Before long the relationship has blossomed into a full-fledged romance, without any sexual exchange.

The only problem with this picture is one or both of the people involved in this budding romance is married.

This scenario, commonly dubbed as an “emotional affair,” has only become a hot topic in recent years. More recently, actress Jennifer Aniston discussed the topic in an interview with Vanity Fair magazine in which she said she believes her estranged husband, actor Brad Pitt, “checked out of their marriage emotionally” and had an emotional affair with actress Angelina Jolie.

“It’s basically an attempt to fill a void that is present in the current relationship,” said Durell Tuberville, a licensed professional counselor and marriage and family therapist at Louisiana Critical Incident Stress Management.

To stray or not to stray

While local experts have mixed views on the term “emotional affair,” they all agree it is a form of cheating, without the sex.

“When we hear ‘affair,’ it sounds like an adventure out of the relationship and we immediately refer to ‘sexual affair,’ but that’s not always the case. I think it’s more of an emotional attachment, rather than an emotional affair,” said Xochitl Sawyer, licensed professional counselor and marriage and family therapist at Integrated Counseling Services.

“It’s something we’ve begun to identify primarily because of Internet access. That’s when it first became a term separate from what we traditionally call an affair,” said licensed clinical social worker Sheri Davidson, who runs a private practice in Shreveport.

Typically, it’s when the person in the existing relationships begins to share intimacies with a new person outside of the existing relationship, Tuberville said. “Often we begin just by asking for help or ideas in a manner we think is safe and the person begins to support us,” he said.

Licensed clinical social worker Missy Everson agrees. “Sometimes, it’s unfinished business with someone from a past relationship or sometimes a new relationship.” Everson said it’s especially likely to happen among people who work closely together or interact on a regular basis.

“It can be a matter of people going too far in their fantasy life. Sometimes it doesn’t go any further nor does it mean a marriage is in trouble. However, for others it can lead to a complete disengagement from the existing relationship and it can get out of hand,” Everson said.

Blurry lines

An emotional affair is not to be confused with a platonic friendship. However, for some, finding the line between the two is tricky.

“A platonic friendship always supports the emotional foundation already established in the current relationship. If we’re friends and I realize there’s an emotional spot that needs to be filled, I’m going to turn that friend back to that foundation in an already established relationship,” Tuberville said. “Far too often we get emotionally involved or allow others to get emotionally involved before we realize it, because the person who is emotionally drowning is holding on to anything that comes in their grasp.”

Davidson said the line has more to do with sex. “Is it becoming a verbally sexual relationship? Is it becoming a fantasy for either partner or friend? It can be elusive … ,” Davidson said.

A person should ask themselves what is really the nature of their relationship because some types of relationships should never be, whether it’s legal or not, Everson said. “For instance, a teacher-student, boss-employee or brother-sister-in-law type of emotional affair should never be. If it’s not any of those kinds of relationships, ask yourself, ‘What are my boundaries?’ If the reality is ‘I can’t do this,’ or ‘it’s not right,’ then they would want to help themselves refocus that relationship to a friendship or disengage themselves from that outside relationship somewhat until they can get their emotions together,” Everson said.

Just as in a sexual affair, there are signs that could signal your spouse or partner is in an emotional affair. “One of things you might see is some withdrawal from the relationship, some distancing, a putting up of boundaries and limits in a marriage or partnership. There’s a preoccupation that your partner’s not there, not interested in intimacy,” Davidson said.

The lesser of two evils?

Many people often disregard an emotional affair as cheating since there’s no sex involved. However, an emotional affair can be equally as threatening to a relationship as a sexual affair.

“It takes away from the intimacy you’re feeling with your spouse or partner. You’re left preoccupied with the idea of someone else if there’s always dissatisfaction in your current relationship. “» Marriage and partnership is hard work. It’s hard to live with someone, so an emotional affair is like being able to send the grandchildren home — you skip that part where you have the day-to-day tough things that you have to do in marriage,” Davidson said. “There’s a wish for something more than what you have and there’s the idealization of that wish, which is probably not true.”

The depth of an emotional affair can be based on three levels. “First, there’s the friendship. That friendship is begun with small talk or a common project,” Tuberville said.

In the course of that friendship, the spouse or partner recognizes he or she is somewhat emotionally deficient and their new friend is a good listener, “and I begin to share things about my current relationship and struggles,” Tuberville said. “That leads to the second level, where we begin to share an affection. At that time, we begin the sexual exchange. And that sexual exchange may not be fondling or intercourse, it can be a touch on the hand or pat on the back.”

That, in turn, opens the door for the third step, “which is complete sexual exposure. “» A lot of times emotional affairs can lead into a sexual affair,” Tuberville said.

“If an affair doesn’t go beyond that yearning and fantasy life, it’s something that can interfere with the marriage for a much longer period of time because you’re saying, ‘This is OK. This isn’t sex,’ but it’s not OK. It’s destructive to the relationship that you’re in,” Davidson said.

After the storm

The first thing a couple should do is communicate once an emotional affair is exposed.

“Then, if they cannot solve it or resolve their problem by talking, they’re going to have to have some professional help because generally that’s what started the problem,” Sawyer said. “Sometimes they can’t talk about it because there are a lot of angry and hurt emotions and one feels betrayed.”

Don’t be afraid to tell the truth. “Be honest with one another and say ‘Hey, there’s a need here that I have and I’m not sure how to have it met.’ Realize there’s help available,” he said.