A Spectrum of Fidelity

HERE I STAND
By Geronimo L. Sy

IS man really polygamous by nature? Our everyday experience seems to say yes, without a shadow of doubt that man is incapable of undying love and unending fidelity. The broken families, the annulments and separations, the changing of boyfriends and girlfriends are all the signs and evidence around us that establish the case to be so.

Let us take the case of a married man and analyze him in a spectrum of fidelity, rather, one of infidelity. He may be a good provider to his family and is there for the members for the important occasions. He helps out with chores, works hard and shops with the wife. His weakness is when he goes out with the boys, they could end up in a massage parlor which offers more than the usual spa. There is no commitment of any kind and is simply a transactional relationship. Most women might turn a blind eye on this and shrug it off as man’s need. The next level will be that he and his regular barkada purposely go out for a one-night fun. There is still no commitment and the relationship may or may not be transactional. The difference now is the intent of the husband. That he goes out and gives in to peer pressure or he purposely seeks out temptations of the flesh. Many women may understand this and attribute it to the need for diversion as long as he comes home.

The next step (not that it connotes a regression or a progression) is when a husband fools around with a casual girl. It is not a one-time thing but could go on for a brief period of time. The thrill is in the escapades is his mindset. This is exacerbated if the girl happens to be a coworker or his secretary. Now, most, if not all, women will no longer be sympathetic to this situation since it is definitely not a temporary thing. There is a certain measure of frequency or regularity that involves the realm of feelings. And women can be most jealous in this arena. Pure lust they may understand, but when it involves emotions or a dose thereof, it’s a totally different ballgame.

The last range is when the husband maintains a girlfriend or a mistress. This can be done by supporting her financially to the extent of providing another house complete with driver and maid. Binahay—it’s called in the vernacular. By this time, the matrimonial relationship is clearly on the rocks and nerves are frayed. There is no doubt that the husband is cheating on his wife. He may choose to leave his legitimate family and totally abandon them for his new love. This is the final end of the range of infidelity, of disloyal behavior.

It is not to be understood that when a husband goes wayward even for an instance, he is not already a cheater. The social reality is that such morality is not condemned. (Though having multiple partners nowadays is not an ostracizing factor either.) It means that in the spectrum of fidelity, there are numerous factors that come into consideration like the number and age of children, the status of the family, the personal dynamics of the spouses and the support groups that explain why the husband strayed.

Of course and to be fair to mankind, the above acts of infidelity are equally applicable to women—from trysts with past lovers or drivers to relationships with officemates and bosses. Welcome to the real world where men and women are equal in this respect.

The package of responses of the innocent spouse is directly related and proportional to which part of the range the husband falls under. It may be one of being indifferent or choosing to ignore the issue, to the point of fighting with flower vases, filing cases against each other and up to shooting the other. Indeed it is a sad reality that for two people who fell in love deeply and swore to be together no matter what end up hating each other more than anyone else in the world and for life at that.

Come to think of it and especially in the spirit of Christmas, there cannot be a spectrum of fidelity. Fidelity requires one constant continuous act of loving and being present and does not brook any excuse for polygamous nature regardless of its social acceptability. Any deviation from the purest form of love does not do justice to our commitment. Either spouse should not agree to anything less. There is, however, in fact a range of infidelity that man or woman can be both guilty of. Man is inherently weak and prone to err although we can choose to forgive a repentant heart. Thus, amid the furtive glances and full-blown scandals, it is a challenge for us in these modern and interesting times to stay true to our word and to our bond, to stay in love and to always keep the faith. Merry Christmas!