What Makes People Cheat on a Spouse?
By NYDIA CONRAD
steckm@manateeglens.com
Most people either know of or have been affected in some way by infidelity. Infidelity can be physical or emotional. Physical infidelity usually involves sexual contact, but can also involve touching, kissing or other types of physical contact. Emotional infidelity can be more subtle, such as lunch dates, flirting, sharing intimate information and online chatting.
The line between casual friendships and emotional infidelity can be very difficult to distinguish. A good question to ask yourself is: “Would I be engaging in this same behavior with this person if my partner was present?” If the answer is no, then you probably should stop what you’re doing.
There are a variety of reasons why people decide to be unfaithful. Some reasons involve one’s personality. An individual may enjoy the thrill and secrecy involved with cheating; we’ll call this the “007 cheater.” These people get a rush from engaging in “the forbidden.” They seek out excitement and enjoy the risks of their double life. However, the excitement eventually wears away and they inevitably leave their affair partner.
Another personality type is the “honeymoon cheater.” This individual is trying to re-live the honeymoon period associated with new relationships. The honeymoon stage usually occurs early on and disappears as couples get to know each other and personalities clash. To the “honeymoon cheater,” the affair partner represents a new and carefree life.
However, the honeymoon period, by definition, is only temporary. Therefore as the relationship ages, conflicts emerge and the honeymoon disappears along with the affair partner.
Other reasons can involve sexual incompatibility, which can lead a partner to stray. This happens when partners have differing sexual interests and one partner decides to fulfill sexual urges outside of the relationship. Sexual problems are usually not the core issue, but tend to be symptomatic of deeper problems in the relationship.
Another reason for infidelity may be a combination of lack of communication, martial dissatisfaction and opportunity. This happens when couples have such busy lives that they almost become strangers. The person develops deeper levels of intimacy with friends and co-workers, than with their spouse. In this case, emotional infidelity is likely to develop before physical infidelity.
Whatever the cause, affairs have devastating affects on the lives of the people involved. After the affair, couples often faces the difficult decision of determining whether or not to end the relationship. Are both willing and able to overcome, forgive and trust? Without trust and forgiveness, the issue will never be resolved.
If the couple stays together, they should determine what needs to happen in order to rebuild the relationship. Some behaviors and relationships will need to be changed.
This can be a tricky situation, because often an affair partner may be someone who must be in a couple’s life (i.e. coworker). The principal question is what is the couple willing to do to save the relationship? Surviving infidelity is not something that a couple has to do alone, as there is always professional help available.
Nydia Conrad is studying for her doctorate in clinical psychology at Argosy University and counsels children and families at Manatee Glens Hospital. Manatee Glens welcomes your questions about mental health and substance abuse matters. For further information, call 782-4299.
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