Are you having Internet Affairs?

Feb 8, 2007

Do you have a special online “friend”? Do you talk to your “friend” about intimate matters? Do you quickly exit the screen when your partner enters the room?

If you answered yes to the above, you may be having an internet affair.

Infidelity has been around since the beginning of time but researchers say internet chat rooms, forums and email have added a new dimension to the age-old temptation to stray.

The perils of online infidelity have prompted the release of new guidelines for Australian counsellors and mental health workers dealing with the fallout from people pursuing illicit love online.

“One area of problematic internet use that is becoming a common presenting issue in counselling is relationship issues arising from one partner’s use of the internet,” according to a report in the current Family Relationships Quarterly journal.

One recent survey of more than 1,500 mental health professionals found that about one in five patients were seeking help because of the negative effects of internet sexual activities.

“A common scenario was a husband or wife who had left their relationship after meeting someone online, only to have the relationship not work out,” says Elly Robinson, manager of the Australian family relationships clearinghouse at the Australian Institute of Family Studies.

An online relationship doesn’t have to turn physical to constitute an affair, she says.

“If the individual having the internet relationship is in a committed real life relationship they may need to acknowledge that communication of an intimate nature with someone on the internet is a breach of trust and commitment,” Robinson says.

“The fact that physical sex hasn’t occurred does not necessarily mean that it is not an affair.”

She says three factors make internet affairs particularly dangerous liaisons.

Online communication tends to remove inhibitions and there is an endless supply of potential partners coupled with a lack of clear norms about acceptable behaviour.

“For example, is it infidelity to have sexual conversations with strangers? What if you are pretending to be someone else? What if you engaged in cybersex?” she says.

The anonymity of cyberspace means people who find themselves falling for a sexy, single 20-something who seduces them with an irresistible online persona may be risking their real-life relationship for a lie.

A new study, to be presented at a computer/human interaction conference in the US later this year, found that online daters usually fib about their appearance. The research found that men “systematically” overestimated their height, while, women underestimated their weight, says lead author Jeffrey Hancock, an assistant professor of communication at Cornell University.

Online affairs can do much more damage than causing a painful relationship bust-up, as a recent US case illustrates.

A cyber fantasy between two middle aged people pretending to be an 18-year-old marine and an attractive young woman turned deadly when Brian Barrett, was found shot dead outside Buffalo, New York, last September.

Investigators charged Barrett’s colleague, Thomas Montgomery with his murder, saying the motive was jealousy over a woman both men had been wooing over the internet.

The woman was a 40-something mother using her daughter’s identity to attract internet suitors.

Montgomery had started chatting with her in 2005, and Bartlett later became drawn into the relationship.

Montgomery is being held without bail after pleading not guilty to second degree murder and is due back in court in June. He is also facing divorce proceedings from his wife.

The case illustrates the web of deceit, jealousy and despair that can arise from seemingly harmless online flirtation, says US internet crime expert J A Hitchcock.

“I’m hoping this case will make people think twice about what they do online and what their actions can cause in the long run,” she says.

If you answer yes to five or more of the following questions you could be crossing the line from online chatting to a cyber affair:

1. In the past week, have you spent more than three hours talking to an online “friend”?

2. Do you plan/look forward to your next communication with them?

3. Does your partner know about your “friend”, and would you be comfortable for them to join in chats?

4. Do you chat when no one is around?

5. Do you make excuses to go online?

6. Do you exit the screen if someone walks into the room while you’re chatting?

7. Do you tell your online “friend” more about your thoughts, feelings, achievements and disappointments than your partner?

8. Do you talk to your “friend” about problems in your real life relationship?

9. Do you think your online “friend” understands and supports you more than your partner?

10. Are you becoming unpredictable about how you act towards your partner?

11. Has your sex life with your partner changed since meeting your “friend”

12. Do you think about sending your online “friend” photos, talking on the phone or meeting for coffee?